The Inter-generational Effect with Bonnie Fatio (l) and Arda Aghazarian (r)

CSW 2010: All about the Inter-generational Factor
by World YWCA Communications Intern Anandi Smith

CSW 2010 Age Esteem and World YWCA

Walking into the Global Action on Aging Office on March 2, 2010 I get a warm greeting from the facilitators Bonnie Fatio and Arda Aghazarian. The office space is beautiful with silk hangings on the wall and large windows. From the front you can see a spectacular view of the UN building and the river.

Women of all ages file in and there appears to be a large number of women from World YWCA CSW 2010 delegation wearing the infamous fuchsia pink scarves. Swiss chocolates, which people make, an immediate dive for is passed around as people start to settle in their seats.

Bonnie Fatio, Age Esteem founder and author introduces the meeting. She wants to create an atmosphere where “age and aging are celebrated”. She tells us that ‘age esteem’ is where she wants to make her dream a reality and wants to encourage and portray a positive attitude towards ageing.

Arda Aghazarian,YWCA in Palestine staff and World YWCA Board member, introduces herself and asks us about our thoughts on age esteem. Numerous people respond and there seems to be a mutual agreement that in society today we are not encouraged to celebrate getting older. In the media for example we seem to be constantly bombarded with products and images to keep us young. Sarah Davies comments that there are certain expectations around age and if we do not abide by them people can be quick to judge. Doris Salah says “the word esteem, you don’t loose your esteem when you grow.”

Bonnie Fatio says “ the relationship to age that we carry follows us everywhere”, negative attitudes such as “old is bad and youth is dynamic” are not healthy. The facilitators tell us that they all want us to participate in an exercise, which will be measured in a symbolic way. Bonnie and Arda stand up at the front of the room and tell us to look at them hypothetically. We are told to raise our right or left hands when different words are used to describe woman. We are told to close our eyes, words such as ‘healthy, intelligent, beautiful wise’ come up and people point in different directions. What we find through this exercise is that you really have to be quite judgmental and ageist when deciding who to choose. Most of the words called out suit both women so people find themselves pointing in both directions. Through the exercise we find that there is a hidden ageism bias in all of us.

The conversation goes onto human rights and how dignity is a part of inner worth. Bonnie asks us how we should grow as leaders and that we should include young women. She says that one should not wipe out the other. Almost on cue Mildred Persinger walks in. (Now 92, Mildred has been a leader of women’s rights for several generations.)  Bonnie goes on to say that a sign of leadership is not passing the torch on but starting a flame that the younger generations can carry for themselves and light others. Getting older should be celebrated.

We then move off into pairs for another exercise and discuss what we gain from either older or younger women. My partner is Bonnie, she describes to me that “ young people have a different energy, they go by a different pace, vocabulary and are a constant learning experience. I tell her that I can learn a lot from older women they have been through all the things I am going through now and I can learn from them.

The thoughts that we are left with at the end of the seminar are how we can work with the older generation and as women we are not pushing a transition of new leaders. We are expected to evaluate and judge people ages but we need to look at it positively. Bonnie gives us a weekly challenge, which is to keep a personal talk diary for one week. It is to look at what we are saying through our mouths and thoughts and to turn our negative thoughts into positive ones. At the end of the session there are relaxed and happy faces all around. I think that the group has learned a lot from the exercises and will not be so quick to judge someone based on their age group and celebrate growing old. I know I will.

Are you a good listener?

Grandparents play an important role as listeners for their grandchildren.  Studies show that an activity with their grandparents most often mentioned by adolescents  is discussing what is on their mind.  Apparently we grandparents are good listeners.  –  But do we listen well enough to the non-verbal as well as the verbal?

At a presentation during a Commission on the Status of Women parallel session last week I heard a 13 year old girl explain that she had been sexually abused for seven years.   The abuser was a family member as is often the case.   She could not bring herself to tell her own mother.   She had no one to confide in.  She explained to us that it was easier for her to now tell us, the audience, than it had been to tell her mother.

No child should experience abuse and no child should have to carry the burden alone, having no one to confide in.

Would you have guessed that something was wrong  if this girl had been your grandchild?  To be truly good listeners for our grandchildren, we need to:

• Love our grandchildren unconditionally; let them know we love them  and will stand by them no matter what happens.
• Really listen to what they say and discuss without judgment.
• Listen actively: nod our head; ask questions that show interest; repeat what the child says; say “hmm” or “I see”.
• Tune into what is not verbally expressed, the child’s body language.   We may even copy her gestures.  Are they congruent with what he says?
• With smaller children, play dolls or stuffed animals with them.   Be conscious of what they are saying as they act and talk with their dolls.
• Remember that good listening and encouragement to share their own thoughts and concerns helps to build your grandchildren’s age-esteem.

As we honor women of the world, I am grateful to the

• Women of previous generations who have opened possibilities and opportunities for me.
• Women who are models of what we can aspire to be, have and do.
• Women who have blazed trails and opened the access to new opportunities  for all women.
• Women who have encouraged, supported and prodded us to take initiative.
• Women who have created space for us to speak up and to speak out, to have a voice that is heard.
• Women who have stepped aside so a younger woman could leave her own prints.
• Women who taught us the importance of our own thoughts and contributions.
• Women of all ages who continue to light the way with age-esteem.

A 100 year old doctor is still delivering babies in Georgia, USA.  He has delivered over 16,000 babies since 1947 when he began his practice.  It seems that everywhere he goes he is greeted by someone who he helped bring into the world.

What is his secret?  Being passionate about what you do!

Other people who have celebrated 100 years of living have shared the same important age-esteem traits.

• Purpose, meaningful activities
• Contact with others of diverse ages
• Keep moving
• Continue to learn and to exercise their mind
• Positive attitude

Do you sometimes look into the mirror and feel unloved?

Try this.  Look through and beyond.

It is very easy for us to forget as we look into the mirror that if the glass we look into had no silver in it, then we would be looking not into a mirror at ourselves but  through a window at others. – And we just might realize how well off we are and how desperately the rest of the world needs our love.

A fear of committing ourselves, of taking a step beyond our own comfort zone, often holds us back from offering to others the kind of uncompromising love exemplified by a newborn.  And it is in offering our love that we receive love.

A happy way to experience age-esteem is to

• look beyond yourself to the needs of others,
• stretch out of your comfort zone and
• find a way to share your talents and love with those less fortunate.

It’s easy to distinguish that the rugby player on the right is Matt Damon, but who is he shaking hands with?  Is that Nelson Mandela or Morgan Freeman?

Don’t  miss the film Invictus, directed by Clint Eastwood.  Morgan Freeman is exceptional in the role of Nelson Mandela.  Freeman had known for a long time that he would some day play the role of Mandela.   When Nelson Mandela’s autobiography was published in 1995, Mandela was asked who he thought could play him on screen.  He cited the name of Morgan Freeman.

In a recent interview in Switzerland published in Migros Magazine, his interviewer said, “Mandela is a wise man; he’s 91 years old.  You are also getting older and therefore also becoming wise?”   Freeman’s response was, “Careful.  I am getting older, but I am not becoming old.”

Age is an attitude.  Nelson Mandela, Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood share the fact that they are getting older – as are we!  They also share age-esteem with a positive attitude toward age that will keep them from ever becoming “old”.

Bonnie Fatio, AgeEsteem

Sharing love enhances our age-esteem.

A tradition I have tried to keep over the years is to personally create the Valentine’s cards I send.  They usually are collages with hearts, feathers and papers of varying textures.  Each is a unique labor of love.  I send them through the post in an old fashioned handwritten, stamped envelope.

A year ago I declared a Valentine’s Day each week.  Once a year seems much too limiting for this positive expression of caring.

I caught this idea from Shirley Pollock who made it her job to send a note to someone each day.  Sometimes it was a thank you.  Other times she simply said she was thinking about you or hoped you were feeling better.  She expressed praise for something you had done or reminded you of one of your qualities that she admired.  Her notes were treasured by those who received them.  She made every day a Valentine’s Day!

My original goal was to send at least one special note each week. Over past months this has grown.  I now write several cards each week to let others know how special they are to me.   I find is that  focusing on relationships in this way makes positives excel and negatives disappear.

Why not make every day a Valentine’s Day and fill your heart with love?

You are a constant model for others.

We never really know the influence that we have on others.  If you are like me there have been people who you could not even call by name who have left a lasting impact.

Life’s greatest lessons do not come from books or formal learning.  They are learned by watching others live and interact, listening to the intonation of their words, reading their expressions and feeling their emotions.

When we feel confident with age-esteem, we stand out as positive role models to others of all ages.   What an effective way to lead others towards a new image of age.   Be a living example!

Sharon Horton Nason’s Spaghetti Sauce

Ingredients:
Approximately 3 lbs. of ground meat (Sharon uses ground turkey)
1 extra large can of tomato sauce (1 lb. and 13 oz. = 822 grams)
¼ of a large can of water
1 medium can of whole tomatoes
1 to 2 onions to taste
About ¼ cup of sugar (or Splenda/sugar-free sweetener)
A few pours of Worcestershire sauce
Cajun Seasoning (to taste)

1.Combine ground meat and chopped onions in large pot and brown them. (This will take some time with so much meat).
2.Once entirely browned, pour in tomato sauce and container of whole tomatoes.
3.Add the water.
4.Mix together completely. Let this cook on medium to high heat until bubbling.
5.Turn the heat down to medium low and cook for about an hour.
6.At this point, add the Worcestershire sauce and other seasonings to taste. (The sauce should have thickened some by now but should continue thickening.)
7.Let pot sit on the stove and cook until there’s a true sauce consistency.
8.NOTE: Keep your pot covered and check it periodically. Left uncovered, you will have a mess on your stove top.
9.Time: Ranges from 1½ to 3 hours depending on the cook’s preferences.

Sharon uses thin spaghetti as her pasta of choice.  Of course you can use whatever you prefer.  She notes that the little bit of sugar takes the tang away from the tomato sauce.
“Cajun seasoning” is a combination of onion powder, garlic powder, white pepper, and paprika. In southern Louisiana there are several varieties available in the grocery store including Tony Chachere’s.

Sharon likes to make two pots of her sauce – one with onions and one without. This way everyone in the family is happy and eats lots of the spaghetti!

I asked my friend what her definition of Age Esteem was. She said it meant   “More time to relax, travel, and be by myself to do more things I enjoy.”  Among other things, Sharon is a talented embroiderer and has the amazing machine needed to create so many special items like religious stoles for preachers and baby caps for newborns with their names on them. She “makes magic” with this talent.

Hooray for Sharon’s special spaghetti sauce and for Age Esteem, too…

Bravo!  And Bon Appétit!

Deborah Joy Phelps

WorldYWCA Board and Guests

What an amazing, competent, dedicated and inspiring organization the YWCA is!   Did you know that

• The YWCA is active in 127 countries.
• Their programs touch over 25 million women and girls.
• When women are empowered to become leaders whole communities are enriched.

We were privileged to receive the WorldYWCA Board in our home.  This Board is a wonderful example of an  inter-generational and inter-cultural body, and one that functions effectively.    Members come from 22 countries, each bringing unique talents and experience.  A number of them are still in their twenties bringing new views to complement those of other ages.

It is important for our personal age-esteem to keep such inter-generational contact active in our own lives and to reach out  and work with others of diverse ages toward a common goal.   My commitment to the WorldYWCA not only expands my knowledge and enhances my understanding of other cultures while helping to improve lives,  it also boosts my age-esteem!   I love being an ambassador for the WorldYWCA.