No Grandchildren

Although planned parenthood may exist, planned grandparenthood does not. We have no control over whether or not we will become a grandparent. Though some of us may have made that decision by not having children of our own, or were unable to have children of our own, many who do have children have no grandchildren. It is not our decision to make.

For some this is fine. They are happy in life without grandchildren. For many, though, it is something they miss. Grandchildren seem to be the natural assurance of life continued to future generations. It may be the end of our DNA being passed on, however our legacy continues in multiple ways.

When a financial expert asked me what I wanted to leave to my three grandchildren, my spontaneous response had nothing to do with DNA or with finances. It had to do with values, experiences shared, and memories created. Yes, these related to my grandchildren; they could also relate to other children with whom I have repeated contact.

If you suffer because you do not have grandchildren, make space for other children in your life. Many children do not have grandparents or other older people in their lives. You can help fill that need.

• Are there families in your neighborhood or among your colleagues who would welcome your presence in their lives? Many parents, especially single parents, work long days and have little energy left when they return home.
  • Ask parents if you could invite their little ones for cookies and milk after school.
  • Would they welcome help with homework, babysitting, making dinner?
• Volunteer your services to the Scout troop, local school, library, church or sports center to help with projects, story hour, or after-school programs.
• Go to the playground often and chat with the mothers and fathers. Get to know them and let them know you. Slowly find out what their needs are and how you might assist them with the children.
• If you are blessed to have nieces and nephews, build relationships with them. Plan events with them such as going to the circus or museum or a picnic in the park. Send them notes and speak often.
• Join a community mentoring program for the underprivileged.

Children need older people in their lives. We bring a perspective and dimension that is otherwise missing. If you want to have grandchildren in your life and don’t, then reach out to other children. It will also enhance your age-esteem.

Bonnie Fatio

When a grandparent holds their newborn grand-baby for the first time, there’s an emotional high that’s almost beyond description. The wonder and love felt at that time is forever remembered with a smile.

You feel a new and different kind of love towards this sweet, innocent, warm baby…a new level of love. It’s magical and joyful! Why a different kind of love? You suddenly get this feeling of immortality and the comfort that somehow, some way, a part of YOU will live on through this precious little one.

As a modern-day grandparent what role do you play?

Grandparents have always played an important role in family life; the historian, the mentor, a role model, a friend. However, over the last twenty years, grandparents have had increased responsibility for their grandchildren due to changes in society and a larger number of single parent households. These responsibilities might include activities such as getting young children ready for school in the mornings, providing full-time child care for preschoolers, or serving as a custodial parent. As a grandparent, in this modern-day family, your role is unique and important. You are not just “another babysitter,” but have a fundamental connection with your grand-kids. Make the most of those special days!

Grandchildren bring energy, laughter, optimism, love and purpose to the lives of their grandparents. While grandparents act as an authority figure and provide unconditional love, they also wield incredible influence and get to spoil their grand-kids in a way parents simply can’t.

I encourage you to keep the connection active and alive no matter what the current circumstances may be. Let your imagination go wild, make it a point to send colorful cards or magazine gift subscriptions. Utilize technology and keep that link going through Facetime, Skype or old fashion telephone calls. The bottom line is to keep the constant connection with your grandchildren. Everyone is blessed because of it!

Children Cherish “Grandparents”

When I posted the above photo of me with my great-nephews on the AgeEsteem website, I received so many positive comments that I know there are multitudes of you who feel like I do. Children are one of the joys of life.

Children also cherish contact with older people. It is natural for them to gravitate towards us. It is as though they realize that we offer an additional dimension to living. Certainly we are different from their parents in multiple ways, including having time to listen to them.

I listened to a radio interviewer question children of diverse ages on how they would describe their grandparents or whoever they relate to in that way. One of the strongest common characteristics was that a grandparent was someone who listened. Really listened. It was a person who took time to show interest in them by listening to them actively without overt judgement.

What a powerful role this is! Imagine the importance of having someone listen to you without judgement. It means that you are able to truly share your thoughts and to sort out your own thinking by speaking these thoughts and sharing them with another person who you trust.

Bonnie Fatio

Grandparents Play Important Roles

Grandparents play an important role in the lives of children around the globe.

In many countries around the world grandparents are taking on a greater role in the care of their grandchildren. An increasing number of grandparents in the United States and in Europe have taken on the role of surrogate parents to their grandchildren for multiple reasons, including the larger number of single parent households.

In sub-Saharan Africa the care of children orphaned by HIV/AIDS is often taken on by grandparents as many of the generation in between has been wiped out by the disease. Without grandparents, for many children there would be no family.

Grandparents are also being brought into schools as volunteers to tutor students. An example of this is Experience Corps which has volunteers in 12 cities in the U.S. The average age of a volunteer is 65 and most of them volunteer between 10 and 15 hours a week. Among the extra benefits is the greater self-confidence children gain as a result of this loving attention.

Research at the University of Oxford, UK, by Professor Ann Buchanan shows a strong correlation between grandparental involvement and the increased the well being of children, particularly adolescences. Children with a high level of grandparental involvement had fewer emotional and behavioral problems.

Yes, as grandparents we have an important role to play in the lives of children, both our own grandchildren and other children.

Bonnie Fatio

For Grandparents

…And All Who Love Children

 How many times had I voiced the opinion that Grandparents greatly exaggerated their descriptions of their grandchildren? No child could be so cute or so intelligent or so clever as the one they describe.

Well, I began to eat those words nine years ago. Certainly I became more sympathetic towards those wonderful people. You see, I was also about to join that exclusive club of grandparenting. At the time friends must have been saying, “If she is like this before the child is born, what will she be like later when the baby is here?” Actually, I asked myself the same question as I chatted about the grandchild to be.

Knowing what a low tolerance level I had towards doting grandparents before knowing that I would be one, I have decided to make up for it and write a daily blog during this month of Grandparents Day. It is for Age-Esteemers who are grandparents and those who love being surrogate grandparents. Many of the blogs were written when our first grandchild was born. I will publish them as written at the time.

Bonnie Fatio

As grandparents we try hard not to spoil our grandchildren with “things”.  Instead, we offer them endless unconditional love, educational experiences, happy memories filled with fun and adventure.   As much as we laugh together and play together, we remain their grandparents.  This is important for their age esteem as much as it is for ours.

Recent studies at Yale University, USA and the National Institute on Aging in the USA show that the attitude that children have towards aging influences how they feel about age when they become older.  This means that our attitude towards our own age is an important factor for our little ones later in their lives as well as today.

In order to offer unconditional love to our grandchildren, we must love ourselves unconditionally.  This indicates that we love ourselves at the age we are and celebrate ourselves as well as our grandchildren.   Children feel this sincerity and what we get in return are

• lopsided hugs and sticky kisses,
• pet names that only a child could chose,
• questions and statements that melt our hearts,
• a chance to rediscover life through new eyes, and
• the privilege of knowing we are important in very unique and important ways to our grandchildren.

Age esteem is the perfect gift for every occasion.

Are you a good listener?

Grandparents play an important role as listeners for their grandchildren.  Studies show that an activity with their grandparents most often mentioned by adolescents  is discussing what is on their mind.  Apparently we grandparents are good listeners.  –  But do we listen well enough to the non-verbal as well as the verbal?

At a presentation during a Commission on the Status of Women parallel session last week I heard a 13 year old girl explain that she had been sexually abused for seven years.   The abuser was a family member as is often the case.   She could not bring herself to tell her own mother.   She had no one to confide in.  She explained to us that it was easier for her to now tell us, the audience, than it had been to tell her mother.

No child should experience abuse and no child should have to carry the burden alone, having no one to confide in.

Would you have guessed that something was wrong  if this girl had been your grandchild?  To be truly good listeners for our grandchildren, we need to:

• Love our grandchildren unconditionally; let them know we love them  and will stand by them no matter what happens.
• Really listen to what they say and discuss without judgment.
• Listen actively: nod our head; ask questions that show interest; repeat what the child says; say “hmm” or “I see”.
• Tune into what is not verbally expressed, the child’s body language.   We may even copy her gestures.  Are they congruent with what he says?
• With smaller children, play dolls or stuffed animals with them.   Be conscious of what they are saying as they act and talk with their dolls.
• Remember that good listening and encouragement to share their own thoughts and concerns helps to build your grandchildren’s age-esteem.

The average age of a first time grandparent in North America today is 48.

With today’s life expectancy being  78 in North America, (as opposed to 81.5 in Iceland and 41 in Zimbabwe) many of us may have 30 years or more of grandparenting ahead of us.   So  the question of how we want to fill the role of grandparent becomes an important one.

This is especially true since as today’s grandparents we are likely to be more educated than previous generations and also be active, self-confident with age-esteem and more globally aware.  We still have places to see and dreams to live.  Grand-parenting is just one role among many.

Whether you are a grandparent,  parent or grandchild this is a day to celebrate.  Grandparents are precious to their families and play a key role in our society.

• In the USA 5.7 million older persons are raising their grandchildren or heading a household that includes children.
• Grandparents care for 28% of preschoolers whose mothers are employed in the USA.
• 80% of US grandparents saw or spoke with their grandchildren by phone in the past month.
• Spending time with a grandparent is linked with better social skills and fewer behavior problems among adolescents. (US Concensus Bureau)
• In countries where AIDS is rampant, grandparents are often the sole living relatives to care for their grandchildren.  The generation of their own children has been wiped out by the disease.
• Even grandparents who may not have access to their grandchildren often remain AgeEsteem role models and mentors for both parents and grandchildren.